A TAP Air Portugal flight from Lisbon to Nice, France created confusion – and even put the airport on alert for an emergency – when the pilots wanted to land quickly because the lavatories onboard the Embraer 190 regional jet stopped working. And it’s all because the pilot’s accent made the word “toilet” sound like “pilot.”

TAP Pilot: Just for your information, we have some problems with the toilets on board. We don’t have it operational, and we need to land as soon as possible at Nice. So, that’s why we are asking for a more direct route to Nice and more speed, if possible.

ATC: Just say again your request?

TAP Pilot: We are requesting more speed if possible, until flight level 100 at least, and more direct route. We don’t have toilets onboard during our flight of today, that’s why we need to land as soon as possible because of the passengers.

ATC: Uh, copy. Are you declaring an emergency?

TAP Pilot: No, we are not declaring an emergency. Just, uh, help on this situation and a more direct route and an increase in speed if possible.

Air traffic control gives them a faster speed, even as the pilots reiterate they do not have an emergency. The next controller they deals with, though, takes the matter very seriously.

TAP Pilot: We are asking for help because we have a problem onboard, but we are not declaring or urgency. We are just asking for some help to land as soon as possible. We don’t have toilets, so this has been in all of our flight today, so that’s why we are trying to ask for some help to land as soon as possible. But we are not declaring a Pan Pan or Mayday for now.

ATC: I don’t understand. What is the issue?

TAP Pilot: We don’t have toilets. There are no operative toilets, so the passengers need to land so they can relieve themselves.

The pilot’s use of the word “toilet” sounds very much like “pilot.”

ATC: Just to be sure, you have the autopilot which is out of work?

TAP Pilot: No, sir, we have the autopilot functioning properly. Our problem is with the toilets. For now, it doesn’t matter anymore. We are not declaring anything. We just need to arrive as soon as possible. That’s all.

ATC: Your pilot has a medical problem?

TAP Pilot: Sir, I will say again. We don’t have a medical problem. We just don’t have pilots. But that doesn’t matter anymore. We just need to land. I will explain better on the ground. But for now, we are not declaring anything.

Air traffic control decides to declare an emergency, putting Nice airport on alert. Fortunately my own travel out of Nice was unaffected, as the events happened a few weeks ago.

ATC: Alert status, alert status, alert status for a traffic that we suspect having no pilot able to operate the aircraft.

ATC: I’m not sure I understand. You said you had no pilot on board?

TAP Pilot: Our operation is normal, sir. We would like to proceed with the arrival normally.

ATC: You said before you had no pilot?

TAP Pilot: I didn’t say that. We will speak on the ground for now, we just need to do our approach.

Probably the best observation here is “For the first time in my life, I see a purpose for the word ‘lavatory.'”

(HT: Paddle Your Own Kanoo)