There’s a certain genre of travel article that gives advice on how to upgrade your flight, with advice that’s nearly always wrong or at least highly misleading.

The Huffington Post carries a piece on how to “blag” a free upgrade to first class “because you deserve to travel like Beyonce’.” And they’ve consulted “travel insiders and airline experts” to show you how to do it. You’ll know what your fellow passengers are reading when they look like an idiot at the airport.

1. Dress to impress. This is just wrong. In almost all cases upgrades are determined by rank order on a list – someone willing to pay for the upgrade with a certificate, miles or cash; frequent flyer status. And when an upgrade needs to happen for operational reasons (weight and balance, coach oversold) it isn’t usually attire that makes the difference. And yet,

   An easy way to try and get an upgrade is to dress nicely! Believe it or not, attire plays a huge role in how passengers will be perceived by gate agents when it comes to giving out complimentary upgrades, with those seen as “worthy” candidates often the ones that are well dressed (think elegant suits) versus those wearing casual clothes (jeans and t-shirts) though this will also depend on your general demeanour, so make sure your attitude is elegant too!

2. Travel solo. This is true, it’s easier to get one upgrade than two! And it’s easy to get two than four! If you’re on the same reservation, and you’re offering miles or certificates, an airline will only upgrade you in advance if there’s enough upgrade inventory for everyone in your party. Everyone on a reservation has to be in the same cabin.

   That’s why it can make sense to split up into separate reservations if you’re trying to get an upgrade. The airline might make one seat available, and then a second one later, and you’d be skipped over both times if you had two passengers in the booking. That is, of course, if you’re willing to split up if it comes to it.

   Meanwhile at the airport you might let the gate agent know if you’re on the waitlist and willing to take a single seat and split up if you’re in a traveling party together.

3. Claim it’s your birthday. The special occasion ‘trick’ first requires the agent to have discretion – for instance, everyone looking for an upgrade has already cleared, and there are still leftover seats. In general an agent can get in trouble for processing upgrades out of order, and can only then make adjustments if it helps them get a flight out on time.

   Seriously, claiming it’s your birthday or you’re on your honeymoon isn’t on its own going to get you an upgrade. People travel during special occasions all the time! There are probably others on your flight with special occasions also. And yet, maybe the experts just watched too many episodes of Friends?

   “Don’t ask for a free upgrade but do mention a special occasion if it comes up naturally,” says Jessie Moore, luxury travel expert and founder of luxury travel website Pocket Wanderings.

   “If you’re travelling for a special occasion – for example, a honeymoon or a milestone birthday – then drop it into the conversation. Remember that if you’re saying it’s your birthday, don’t make it up, as they’ll be able to see your date of birth on your passport!

4. Sign up for frequent flyer programs. This is close to helpful. Just being a member doesn’t get you an upgrade, but accumulating points and using them to pay for upgrades does.

5. U.S. airlines are more likely to give away their premium product than British ones. Good luck with that.

Upgrades are harder to get than ever because more people are paying for premium cabin seats than ever before. Twenty years ago maybe 10% of a domestic plane would fill up front with people actually buying a ticket for that cabin (with the rest employees and upgrades), now it’s closer to 80%.

‘Dress well’ reminds me of this classically idiotic Bloomberg piece on how to score an upgrade every time.

The claim in the Bloomberg article is that two magic words work like a shibboleth or password for perfect upgrade success. Those words are ‘revenue management’ and if you say them you sound like someone who knows what they’re talking who should be in first class, or something. Here’s how the magic words supposedly work,

We have never bought an upper-class seat; if ever we’ve flown anywhere up front, we’ve used miles to upgrade from economy. If you want to do that, call reservations and drop the name “revenue management.”

The reason is that revenue management’s job is to make sure a flight is profitable, so they’re the ones telling [reservation agents] what they can say; they’re like Flying Club’s boss. Not everyone knows that this department exists, and by mentioning it you reveal yourself as someone who knows how things work and understands how seats are released.

Say to the agent: ‘Have revenue management released any first-class seats for miles upgrades yet?’ When they say no, ask them to check or just be put through to revenue management so you can ask when they will release some, as well as how many seats are left.

Politely respond like this: ‘You have 20 seats unsold? Why aren’t you releasing them?’ Often by the end of the conversation they say, ‘OK, we’ll release one for you,’ or they might tell you to call back tomorrow. Doing that, we’ve had a pretty much 100 percent success rate.

Since revenue management’s job is to make a flight profitable, they’re going to give out first class seats to anyone that asks for them. Alright then.

The goal is to make sure that (1) no seats go to upgraders that might have been sold, and (2) even if there are empty premium cabin seats on the plane, that no one upgrades instead of buying the premium seat. They don’t want upgrades to be gimmes, though programs that offer upgrades want that to be a real benefit too because it encourages loyalty and drives revenue through that channel.

Simply asking over the phone to get a seat released doesn’t work most of the time. It doesn’t mean that there’s never been a request to revenue management to open space to complete an award itinerary, American Airlines used to have a process for making space available on their connecting flights (“QMAX”). But the idea that this is a technique for the general public to use is silly.

I prefer equally silly — and equally effective — suggestions that might be a little more fun. If you’re not going to read actual true advice on how to upgrade, then you might as well follow this advice: “7 Ways To Get Bumped Up To First Class On Your Next Flight”

It won’t work. Ever. But you’ll look like the biggest idiot ever have fun trying.

Here are the two best tips:

1. Present the pilot with a good, dependable work mule: Everyone loves a gift. If you give the pilot the gift of a strong, healthy work mule as you board the aircraft, it is customary for the pilot to immediately bump you up to first class.

…3. Disguise yourself as a mimosa: Alcoholic beverages are complimentary in first class, so if you dress up as a cocktail, you can sit down without anyone realizing you’re actually a human who belongs in coach.

They’re all kind of awesome.

(HT: Live and Let’s Fly)